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Dec 16

GUEST POST: Showing Their Uncool Cousins Around Town

Well, this is a bit of pickle dipped in an inconvenience wrapped up in a culture clash. You agreed to this family hang as a favor to your Mom because she asked you to take your Republican-ish cousin Brad from Akron, Ohio out on the town while he’s in the city for a work-related function. You tried to weasel your way out of it, but she wore you down with a guilt trip.

“It’s only four hours out of your life, so quit your whining and just do it,” she said sternly which made you groan because really where can you take this guy? He’s sure as hell not gonna enjoy going to any of the dimly-lit, low scene dive bar rat holes you frequent. Even if he says he wants to see “how the other half lives” and insists that you guys pop into your favorite haunt for beers, he doesn’t mean it. He wants to go somewhere that he can either a) watch sports on a large television b) stuff some kind of cheesy popper in his mouth and/or c) look at bimbos. This is the holy trinity of entertainment for him! Anything less than that is gonna be a big time letdown for his big night in the city.

He’ll show up in an Ohio State baseball hat, a crummy, blue Old Navy sweater with a horizontal white stripe knitted across the chest, boxy light blue jeans, and a pair of off-white Reeboks. Yup, good old Brad. Just looking him over you know that he’s gonna hate anywhere you take him to.

If you do decide to take him to your favorite spot because you can’t think of anywhere else to go, he’ll look around nervously as he leans against a wall with one hand jammed in his front pocket and one hand wrapped around a Bud Light beer bottle and unleash a string of running commentary about the other patrons’ fashion choices.

“Cool ear plugs, guy,” he’ll sarcastically crack at some dude you’re actually friends with, which will make you consider how mad your Mom would get if you just straight-up walked out of the bar and hightailed it home. Yes, ear plugs are weird. They make people’s ears look wonky. I got the memo about that, Brad, You’re such an astute fashion critic! Tell me more about your thoughts on the employment prospects for people with neck tattoos while you’re at it.

Thank god you only have to put up with him for one night. You might even lie and say you have to turn in early to cut the hang short. Maybe you’ll even fake a yawn or look at your watch all, “Jeez! It’s getting late. I should really get to steppin’.” But we all know that as soon as you guys part ways, you’ll roll into the party all your buddies have been texting you about and believe me, you will never be so happy to see your friends and taste that first sip of microbrew beer on your lips. It’ll feel like you’ve just been released from prison or something. You’ll hug everyone you see and smile so fucking wide at being reunited with your crew that your cheeks will hurt.

Anna Goldfarb is the publisher of Shmitten Kitten, a a blog about dating for people who would probably never read a blog about dating.

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2 months ago