Stuff Hipsters Hate

Jan 13
Country Music
Dude, I was at Lady Jay’s with Micaela the other night and this twee-ass country song came on and she got all nostalgic, did you remember she’s from Georgia? I know, me neither, no accent, but she got all fucking starry-eyed and started asking if I knew this song and that song by Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw and Travis Tit or whoever the fuck and like, singing them by herself in the bar, right? And then last night we all had dinner at Sonja an’ Stumper’s place and she got drunk and insisted on like playing us all these fucking terrible music videos. Dude, have you ever watched a contemporary country-western music video? They’re like six-minute-long green-screen packed odes to ugly-ass Trixies with visibly hard nipples and assholes in bootcut jeans and long bleach-blond man-manes.
I mean, bluegrass is kinda rad, but douchebags with weird facial hair wearing tight shirts and stupid headgear, strumming at the guitar and singing whiny and depressing songs about alcohol with put-on accents? Fuck. to the. no.
Oh hey, you were gonna lend me that Wavves EP. Is it around?
(Photo)

Country Music

Dude, I was at Lady Jay’s with Micaela the other night and this twee-ass country song came on and she got all nostalgic, did you remember she’s from Georgia? I know, me neither, no accent, but she got all fucking starry-eyed and started asking if I knew this song and that song by Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw and Travis Tit or whoever the fuck and like, singing them by herself in the bar, right? And then last night we all had dinner at Sonja an’ Stumper’s place and she got drunk and insisted on like playing us all these fucking terrible music videos. Dude, have you ever watched a contemporary country-western music video? They’re like six-minute-long green-screen packed odes to ugly-ass Trixies with visibly hard nipples and assholes in bootcut jeans and long bleach-blond man-manes.

I mean, bluegrass is kinda rad, but douchebags with weird facial hair wearing tight shirts and stupid headgear, strumming at the guitar and singing whiny and depressing songs about alcohol with put-on accents? Fuck. to the. no.

Oh hey, you were gonna lend me that Wavves EP. Is it around?

(Photo)

Jan 12
When No One’s Talking About Them
You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you. Well, it’s not, but CNN this week is, vanity-drenched vagrants. 
(Photo)

When No One’s Talking About Them

You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you. Well, it’s not, but CNN this week is, vanity-drenched vagrants. 

(Photo)

Jan 11
Links Hipsters Hate
I think this is the guy who emailed us a few weeks back. Hipster Tires
I’m not going to turn the sound on either, sender. IKEA hipster advert
More Look At These Hipsters Fucking-style porn. Betcha they finish with Instagram filters. Retro Porn Revival
Congratulations to the publicity geniuses happy couple. Tao Lin will have Megan Boyle’s hand in marriage
Send me lots and lots of links.
(Photo)

Links Hipsters Hate

I think this is the guy who emailed us a few weeks back. Hipster Tires

I’m not going to turn the sound on either, sender. IKEA hipster advert

More Look At These Hipsters Fucking-style porn. Betcha they finish with Instagram filters. Retro Porn Revival

Congratulations to the publicity geniuses happy couple. Tao Lin will have Megan Boyle’s hand in marriage

Send me lots and lots of links.

(Photo)

Jan 06
Working at the Apple Genius Bar
It’s one of the biggest cliches about hipsters on the record books (quaintly known as “blogs”) — that they are drawn like so many ill-fated flies to that most drone-like of workplaces, the Genius Bar.
Well, dear readers, it’s time to strike that fallacy from the zeitgeist. Yes, many hipsters, not to mention literally hundreds of millions of contemporary human beings, own Apple products. But a hipster would sooner work at a Starbucks than stoop to don a blue polo and entomb himself in the whited sepulcher that is the Apple Store.
First of all, the Apple Store represents a kind of rabid fan boy-ism that hipsters just don’t truck with: Rampant consumerism that impels one to wait in long, winding lines for the chance to stroke the white plastic casing of mass-produced opulence? The reverent manner with which true believers greet the periodic intoning of one Steve Jobs, booming words that seem to come from the very heavens, foretelling riches untold? Nah, they’ll save that fevered, before-the-oracle prostration for this year’s SXSW lineup. (But they’re actually kind of over that fest, anyway, come to think of it.)
Secondly, those who are inclined toward the technical realm would much rather work at one of the smaller shops catering to those who bash and smash and dump Tecate on their keyboards. Shops that recall simpler days of yore, when one worked as a humble apprentice to a true master. Shops sandwiched between the dusty storefronts of ancient Russian cobblers and Polish pharmacies — shops where the proprietors take pride in their trade and value hard work and knowledge above the latest foolhardy gadgetry.
And — bonus — such proprietors don’t really give a fuck if you kick off for an hour to smoke a joint in the alley, thereby forgetting to finish fixing that logic board (and possibly damaging it further after accidentally spilling loose tobacco into its coiling innards).
(Photo) 

Working at the Apple Genius Bar

It’s one of the biggest cliches about hipsters on the record books (quaintly known as “blogs”) — that they are drawn like so many ill-fated flies to that most drone-like of workplaces, the Genius Bar.

Well, dear readers, it’s time to strike that fallacy from the zeitgeist. Yes, many hipsters, not to mention literally hundreds of millions of contemporary human beings, own Apple products. But a hipster would sooner work at a Starbucks than stoop to don a blue polo and entomb himself in the whited sepulcher that is the Apple Store.

First of all, the Apple Store represents a kind of rabid fan boy-ism that hipsters just don’t truck with: Rampant consumerism that impels one to wait in long, winding lines for the chance to stroke the white plastic casing of mass-produced opulence? The reverent manner with which true believers greet the periodic intoning of one Steve Jobs, booming words that seem to come from the very heavens, foretelling riches untold? Nah, they’ll save that fevered, before-the-oracle prostration for this year’s SXSW lineup. (But they’re actually kind of over that fest, anyway, come to think of it.)

Secondly, those who are inclined toward the technical realm would much rather work at one of the smaller shops catering to those who bash and smash and dump Tecate on their keyboards. Shops that recall simpler days of yore, when one worked as a humble apprentice to a true master. Shops sandwiched between the dusty storefronts of ancient Russian cobblers and Polish pharmacies — shops where the proprietors take pride in their trade and value hard work and knowledge above the latest foolhardy gadgetry.

And — bonus — such proprietors don’t really give a fuck if you kick off for an hour to smoke a joint in the alley, thereby forgetting to finish fixing that logic board (and possibly damaging it further after accidentally spilling loose tobacco into its coiling innards).

(Photo

Jan 05
Bad Internet Manners
All the shit yer doing wrong in a helpful checklist format. That’s CNN this week, luddites.

Bad Internet Manners

All the shit yer doing wrong in a helpful checklist format. That’s CNN this week, luddites.

Jan 03
Links Hipsters Hate
Sorry… I’ve been hungover since Saturday. Here are some links.
This was all made completely unreadable due to the abundance of typos — among other things. SparkLife, My Hipster Resolution
Such old news. I have totally traded jeans with dudes before. Talk to me when you test drive a jeedo, bro. My Day in Jeggings — Confessions of an Average Guy in Extraordinary Pants
Didn’t this dude rip this off from How I Met Your Mother? Which I totally don’t watch… Even though every season is conveniently available via TV Duck… Shut up. The Bro Code!
We’ve been saying this all year, Bri, but, still, fuck to the yeah. The New York Times discovers Brooklyn
You forgot one. Ahem. The Ultimate Hipster Reading List
(Photo)

Links Hipsters Hate

Sorry… I’ve been hungover since Saturday. Here are some links.

This was all made completely unreadable due to the abundance of typos — among other things. SparkLife, My Hipster Resolution

Such old news. I have totally traded jeans with dudes before. Talk to me when you test drive a jeedo, bro. My Day in Jeggings — Confessions of an Average Guy in Extraordinary Pants

Didn’t this dude rip this off from How I Met Your Mother? Which I totally don’t watch… Even though every season is conveniently available via TV Duck… Shut up. The Bro Code!

We’ve been saying this all year, Bri, but, still, fuck to the yeah. The New York Times discovers Brooklyn

You forgot one. Ahem. The Ultimate Hipster Reading List

(Photo)

Dec 31
Happy… Ah, Fuck It
No one sent me anything interesting, so y’all can taste the wrath of laser kitty for the rest of this decade. See you in ‘11.
(Photo)

Happy… Ah, Fuck It

No one sent me anything interesting, so y’all can taste the wrath of laser kitty for the rest of this decade. See you in ‘11.

(Photo)

Dec 30
Best-Of Lists
They’re upon us again, folks, rambling listicles of journalistic fluff that defy the very nature of hipster hate:  It’s an entire numbered column dedicated to stuff people like. Fuck that. We bring you 2010’s Top Ten Top Ten* Lists Hipsters Hate.
10. New York Times' Top Films and Themes and Trends of 2010
What the fuck is happening here? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? Has A. O. Scott lost his fucking mind?
9. The Top Words of 2010
Guido and 3-D are on there because everyone is fucking stupid, apparently.
8. Times’ 50 Best Inventions of 2010
Yeah, really great that some rich assholes can now afford airplane cars and jet packs. Come back to me with some hangover-free whiskey and we’ll talk.
7. Wired's Top 10 Most Significant Gadgets of 2010
Who can afford this shit? Is the recession over?
6. American Film Institute’s Top 10 Films of 2010
Mom and Dad sprang for Toy Story 3 and that was rad. The rest maybe I’ll Torrent when I come home drunk. Movie theaters are like repositories for sticky teenagers and the mentally unsound.
5. New York Times' 10 Best Books of 2010
Freedom. That Cleopatra book. Yeah, looks like you forgot one, NYT. Fuck you.
4. PopEaters’ Biggest Celebrity Breakups of 2010
The story has “Splitsville!” in the headline… ‘Nuf said.
3. New York Times' 110 Things New Yorkers Talked About in 2010
Holy fucking shit balls Christ who cares.
2. Pitchfork’s Top 50 Albums of 2010
Pfft. Kanye. That’s not simultaneously pandering and predictable or anything. And what the fuck is Vampire Weekend doing at #6? I thought we were over that madness.
1. Neilsen’s Top 10 TV shows of 2010
Click on this. No seriously, click on this. The fifth most-watched television show in America was the Dancing With the Stars motherfucking results show. [explodes]
*or another arbitrary numeral
(Photo)

Best-Of Lists

They’re upon us again, folks, rambling listicles of journalistic fluff that defy the very nature of hipster hate: It’s an entire numbered column dedicated to stuff people like. Fuck that. We bring you 2010’s Top Ten Top Ten* Lists Hipsters Hate.

10. New York Times' Top Films and Themes and Trends of 2010

What the fuck is happening here? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? Has A. O. Scott lost his fucking mind?

9. The Top Words of 2010

Guido and 3-D are on there because everyone is fucking stupid, apparently.

8. Times’ 50 Best Inventions of 2010

Yeah, really great that some rich assholes can now afford airplane cars and jet packs. Come back to me with some hangover-free whiskey and we’ll talk.

7. Wired's Top 10 Most Significant Gadgets of 2010

Who can afford this shit? Is the recession over?

6. American Film Institute’s Top 10 Films of 2010

Mom and Dad sprang for Toy Story 3 and that was rad. The rest maybe I’ll Torrent when I come home drunk. Movie theaters are like repositories for sticky teenagers and the mentally unsound.

5. New York Times' 10 Best Books of 2010

Freedom. That Cleopatra book. Yeah, looks like you forgot one, NYT. Fuck you.

4. PopEaters’ Biggest Celebrity Breakups of 2010

The story has “Splitsville!” in the headline… ‘Nuf said.

3. New York Times' 110 Things New Yorkers Talked About in 2010

Holy fucking shit balls Christ who cares.

2. Pitchfork’s Top 50 Albums of 2010

Pfft. Kanye. That’s not simultaneously pandering and predictable or anything. And what the fuck is Vampire Weekend doing at #6? I thought we were over that madness.

1. Neilsen’s Top 10 TV shows of 2010

Click on this. No seriously, click on this. The fifth most-watched television show in America was the Dancing With the Stars motherfucking results show. [explodes]

*or another arbitrary numeral

(Photo)

Dec 29
New Year’s Resolutions
Listen up, children of questionable intelligence, January 1 — as well as the previous calendar date — is just a day. It is by no means akin to a magical eraser, wiping clean the chalkboard of the soul so as to sketch in this year’s specials.
Just because you drunkenly toast your pals at midnight (whilst drinking in the plasticine glory that is Ryan Seacrest on your hulking television set) and subsequently hook up with your best friend’s ex in a bar bathroom does not mean that you will suddenly gain the ability to, say, lose your burgeoning beer gut or get your tragic love life in ship-shape. No, you’ll likely just wake up, confused, sad, your cheek frozen painfully into the tangle of glitter and beer that has pooled on your front stoop.
That’s why I’m saying: Fuck New Year’s Resolutions. Tell me what you aim NOT to do this coming year. What promises will you let fester and molder like so many mouse carcasses entombed behind a mildewed wall?
I’ll post the best — or, you know, the most pathetic — on Friday.
Eeeeeeee-mail me.
(Photo)

New Year’s Resolutions

Listen up, children of questionable intelligence, January 1 — as well as the previous calendar date — is just a day. It is by no means akin to a magical eraser, wiping clean the chalkboard of the soul so as to sketch in this year’s specials.

Just because you drunkenly toast your pals at midnight (whilst drinking in the plasticine glory that is Ryan Seacrest on your hulking television set) and subsequently hook up with your best friend’s ex in a bar bathroom does not mean that you will suddenly gain the ability to, say, lose your burgeoning beer gut or get your tragic love life in ship-shape. No, you’ll likely just wake up, confused, sad, your cheek frozen painfully into the tangle of glitter and beer that has pooled on your front stoop.

That’s why I’m saying: Fuck New Year’s Resolutions. Tell me what you aim NOT to do this coming year. What promises will you let fester and molder like so many mouse carcasses entombed behind a mildewed wall?

I’ll post the best — or, you know, the most pathetic — on Friday.

Eeeeeeee-mail me.

(Photo)

Dec 28
FLASHBACK: Because I’m still on vacation…
Commercialism, fucking annoying holiday music, flagrant overconsumption of electricity for stupid pimped-out light displays, spending money on other people for something other than coke, weird relatives, guilt, forced church/synagogue attendance, the falsified existence of an omniscient fat-bellied altruist designed to induce paranoia and compliance in snot-spattered children, attempting to spell “Hanukkah” whilst trashed on Manischewitz, Salvation Army ringers, getting your pipe past airport security and God. All that and hipsters still don’t hate the holidaze.

FLASHBACK: Because I’m still on vacation…

Commercialism, fucking annoying holiday music, flagrant overconsumption of electricity for stupid pimped-out light displays, spending money on other people for something other than coke, weird relatives, guilt, forced church/synagogue attendance, the falsified existence of an omniscient fat-bellied altruist designed to induce paranoia and compliance in snot-spattered children, attempting to spell “Hanukkah” whilst trashed on Manischewitz, Salvation Army ringers, getting your pipe past airport security and God. All that and hipsters still don’t hate the holidaze.